Missionary Memories 3

The year? 1997. I was a young Mormon missionary in Orlando, FL. Some Church people had taken me out to eat at a "Downtown Disney" restaurant. Following the meal, we were chatting in the parking lot before going out separate ways. Suddenly, out of the shadows, a staggering figure emerged -- the hair, the look, the voice. It was an inebriated Carrot Top, in the company of a sober buddy. Keep in mind; this is the pre-roid, rail-thin individual, not the Phyllis Diller-Bonaduce hybrid that exists today.

Carrot Top stumbles up to our group, and begins to address the hot daughter of the Church people. "Well F*%! me sideways baby, you look just like Shania Twain! What do you say we F-ing roll on back to my place so I can F*^# you six days till Sunday?"

The Church people are immediately stunned, and they start looking at me to do something. I played college football, and at the time I was 6'3" 290 lbs. So I look at the guy and say, "Hey listen pal, how about moving it along?" He's immediately up in my face screaming, "What the F*%# is your problem Mother F-er? Is this your lady? I don't think so, I'm having a conversation here and if this b%$@* wants to (perform a graphic sexual act on me), that's our business, not yours!"

The friend starts getting really nervous at this point. I think that he realizes that I'm a missionary and am probably not going to beat Carrot Top down, but he immediately grabs his arm and starts trying to talk him down and pull him in the other direction. Carrot Top isn't done yet, however. He shoves his friend and gets back in my face screaming, "What the F*%# are you looking at Mother F-er? What's your problem anyway, looking like that Mother F-er Biff from Back to the F-ing Future? Sadly, he was right, I did look a lot like Biff in those days, but back to the story.

I said, "Hey listen bud, I'm a Mormon missionary. We don't want any trouble. The lady isn't interested, so please move along with your friend here and have a good night." He then sobers up a little and starts asking about Mormonism, which was really strange. Before he moves on, he tried to get this chick's number again, and starts telling her she could come back to his place and get wasted and watch TV. The friend eventually convinces him to move along, and Carrot Top departed with a, "Peace-out Mother F-ers!".