The Burned-out Remnants of an Undigested Culture

The Secret Lives of Yuppies

2010-02-23T15:09:00.002-07:00

This is a bizarre example of the yuppie phenomenon of depicting your family with strange avatars on the back on a vehicle. I took this photo myself on the freeway here in the Phoenix area.

First of all, turtles? Why turtles? Is this a family of marine life conservationists? Second, two of the turtles have no hearts. Does this mean that the people they represent are dead? Could they have been killed by Japanese whalers on a Greenpeace mission? What else could it mean? Might they just be emotionally shut down? Either way, it's really creepy. I think I'd rather see Calvin relieving himself on stuff.

Rise and Shout!

2010-02-23T14:50:00.003-07:00

I saw this advertisement on Facebook. It's a kids potty that plays the BYU fight song. This is particularly funny given that the most recognizable lyric from the BYU fight song is "Rise and Shout the Cougars are out!"

Attention BYU alumni, next time you finish up on the toilet, stand and announce to the world, "Rise and Shout the Cougars are out!"

Taylor Swift - Lying or Confused

2010-01-28T10:33:00.002-07:00

So I'm not really that into Country Music, except I do enjoy learning which bad guy Toby Keith intends to insert his footwear into on his next album. But I have been enjoying Taylor Swift's album Fearless. I was listening to it the other day, and I discovered a few incongruities. I'll talk about one of them here.

These two songs are found at the end of the album. In the first song, "The Way I Love You," young Taylor goes on about some guy she's currently dating who is perfect on paper. He gets along with her parents, he always treats her well, he doesn't end a multi-year relationship with her in a one minute phone call. But she's not content, because she misses the chaos of a previous relationship that was characterized by screaming, anger, etc.

That's fine and all. Some people are legitimately attracted to chaos in their lives. Here's the rub. The second song on the album, "The Best Day," is a loving tribute to Swift's father. The song explains how he was the best dad in the whole world - a kind man who always took time for his children.

I got news for you Tay-Tay. By and large, women who had the kind of father that you're describing typically aren't attracted to the kind of chaotic relationships that you're describing. She supposedly wrote both songs. What gives Taylor? Are you lying or confused.

And by the way, these jokers aren't exactly a couple of bad boys.

Who is this song really about anyway?

New Blog Title

2009-09-18T13:43:00.004-06:00

When I started this blog back in 2004, I had a burning BYU issue that I wanted to sound off on, something about Hugh Nibley's kid being a nutbar I think. At any rate, I sort of raced through the blog registration process, including the selection of a title. Rather than thinking things through, I sort of randomly selected "Blog Me" after briefly considering "Blog This." A high school friend, Texas Belch, had a very early (1994ish), pre-internet pornography site called "The Website of Suck" that I greatly admired. I thought Blog Me was along the lines of Belcher's thinking, and that it would do until I came up with something better.

I finally discovered "The Burned out Remnants of an Undigested Culture" in the pages of Atlas Shrugged, a phrase uttered by Hank Rearden in the midst of his factory riot. I'm hardly an advocate of the godless, laissez-faire, secular humanism advocated by Rand, but I sure don't like the looters and moochers that always seem to be kicking around Washington.

Anyhow, there's my new title.

If they mated 54

2009-08-28T11:08:00.001-06:00

Rob Zombie

Mitt Romney

Vincent Price

"Top-Notch Musical Group"

2009-08-28T10:30:00.004-06:00

I recently received the following communication pertaining to the organization of a charity event in a small Wyoming town via LinkedIn. It reads, in part,

"I'm looking for someone who has ties to a top notch musical group or person. Someone like Kurt Bestor."

A follow-up communication clarified that the organizers were "looking for someone fairly famous" to sing Wind Beneath my Wings at the event.

Respondents to the solicitation suggested the following,

"John Canaan. He's awesome! I don't know if you know him but he's from SLC and has done several CD's"

"Bill Brimley- son of actor Wilford Brimley is a member of a group"

"My sister-in-law Jenny Jordan Frogley"

and, finally "The Bar-J Wranglers"

My point here is not to belittle the cancer fundraiser that the people of this Wyoming town are putting together. Nor is it my intent to mock the well-meaning people who made suggestions. This is clearly a good cause.

I'd rather like to shed light on the concept of fame in the Intermountain LDS community. I've heard of Kurt Bestor, but I couldn't name one of his songs. I've also heard of Wilford Brimley, but is being the son of the diabetes guy make you famous? Would a cancer survivor be thrilled to hear a bluegrass version of Wind Beneath My Wings from someone who sprang from the loins of the Quaker Oats dude? As for the rest of the bunch, I've never heard of them.

I hope that this benefit raises a bunch of money for people with cancer, but I don't understand how fame is created amongst Intermountain Mormons. Does having a CD in the Deseret Book catalog make you famous? Why do people consume this stuff? The resources that are invested in LDS-themed products could be used in so many other ways. Why are LDS-themed products so popular?!

A Bad Day for Ol' Roy

2009-08-19T15:57:00.005-06:00

Allow me to direct your attention to a sad story about an older couple who were killed by a pack of wild dogs near their Georgia home. The woman was attacked first, and her husband soon followed to see where she had gone off too. The whole scene was discovered by some Jehovah's Witnesses on their way to visit someone in the neighborhood.

This is a sad tale, and it is not my intention to make light of this tragic situation. There was one bizarre detail included in the story that I feel the need to point out. A person in the neighborhood was apparently feeding some of the dogs before moving away. Slightly more than 1/2 through the article, the following paragraph appears.

The owner, Howard Thaxton, had moved out some months earlier because of health and financial problems but had someone drive him every other day to leave food for the dogs, said GBI Special Agent Christopher Bish. Several empty 40-pound bags of Ol' Roy dog food were strewn about the property Tuesday.

What the heck? This is a very bizarre detail to include. Why in the world would a reporter include the brand of dog food the dogs were eating?

I decided to investigate the matter, and I believe I have discovered what is going on here. Meet Ol' Roy.

The original Ol' Roy was apparently the beloved dog of Sam Walton, and Ol' Roy dog food, manufactured and sold by WalMart, is named after him.

A quick internet search will reveal many criticisms by the kind of people who would spit on a homeless person but treat the mangiest flea-bitten mutt to a prime rib dinner. In the perverse world of "animal lovers," feeding your dog Ol' Roy is apparently considered abuse, as it is thought to have "no nutritional value."

CNN reporter Mr. Jim Kavanagh capilized on the tragic deaths of two people by taking the opportunity to put WalMart and the kind of people who would dare feed their dogs a corn-based product down a few pegs by associating them with a pack of animals that kill people. Big Sam and his minions are no pushovers Mr. Kavanagh. Keep your eyes on the mail for the cease and desist order.

Dan Rather is a Whiner Baby

2009-08-04T10:56:00.005-06:00

Wahh! Americans used to think that reporters were important!

Wahh! Now only reporters think that reporters are important!

Wahh! Me and my bosses tried to keep Bush from being re-elected!

Wahh! My bosses scapegoated me and I took the fall!

Wahh! Even though I was 200 years old, I could have kept reading the news until I turned to dust like Larry King!

Wahh! Not fair, give me my 70 million dollars!

Get over yourself Ron Burgundy! Nobody cares who reads the news any more. You may think you're trying to save some kind of non-existent legacy, but really you're just making us dislike you more and more.

Obama Acts Stupidly in Announcing that the Cambridge PD Acted Stupidly

2009-07-23T13:04:00.003-06:00

Dear President Obama,

I'm sorry to hear that your friend had a run in with the cops the other day. It sounds like a bad situation -- if the guy's keys would have fit in his door when he got back from a trip out of town, none of this would have happened.

Except that it did happen. Your buddy was locked out of his house and was trying to get in. A neighbor called the cops after seeing a couple of guys trying to climb in a window. The cops came, and you pal became belligerent and un-cooperative. He ended up getting arrested. You said that the Cambridge PD "acted stupidly" in arresting your friend, even though the high-ups in the department all say that their officers followed procedure.

I'm not trying to say that I know how it feels to be a racial minority in America, nor am I trying to say that there is no racism in this country. I am saying that sometimes people get hassled by the cops. I've been hauled off in a similar situation, although I was only detained and released. Not every run-in with the cops is motivated by race, and it sounds like your pal was not following the instructions of the officers.

I'm not a huge fan of the cops either, but let's not get down on them for doing their jobs and following established procedure. Don't you have bigger things to worry about than your friend's run in with the police? Why don't you go back to trying to ruin the county by dragging it kicking and screaming into socialism? Lay off the cops.

Ahmadinejad Twitter Account

2009-06-15T13:41:00.003-06:00

Some funny stuff here. Somebody has set up a fake Twitter account for disputed Iranian president Mahmoud Ahmadinejad. The most recent example:

"Allah be praised! Internet is jammed, I can't even loaddown Nora the Piano Playing Cat right now. Democracy ruin everything!"

Twitter says that this feed is coming from within 15 miles of Tehran. It's pretty cool to see that people can maintain a decent sense of humor even in the face of serious problems.

If they were LDS 20

2009-06-03T16:26:00.002-06:00

If these pod people from a fake MTV reality show were LDS, they would be

TAMN and JJWT

Low End Move #3

2009-05-26T10:13:00.002-06:00

Extend a hand to help a person threatening to jump off a bridge to his death, and instead push him off the bridge because he was holding up traffic for 5 hours.

Low End Move #2

2009-05-15T14:12:00.003-06:00

Every once in a while I dial a wrong number, realize it, and then hang up before anyone on the other end of the phone picks up. This happened the other morning and I promptly forgot all about it. Well, later that night I got a call from a mysterious number and answered the phone.

Me: Hello?

Caller: Who is this?

Me: Well, my name's Chris.

Caller: Chris? Nah, who is this?

Me: As I mentioned a second ago, my name is Chris. Bytheway, you called me. Is there something you wanted to talk about?

Caller: I got a call from this number earlier. Who was calling me from this number?

Me: I have no idea what you're talking about.

Caller: Come on man, who is this?

Me: No really, this is my cell phone and I have no idea... [here is where I realize what this low-ender is up to]. Actually, I did briefly dial a wrong number this morning and hung up before anyone answered.

Caller: All right. Wait a second, are you sure?

Me: Quite sure, bye. [click]

What in the world are you low-enders up to out there that you investigate every number on your caller ID in this level of detail? Are you cheating on your spouse? Are you some kind of low-level criminal? Are you so OCD that you just have to make sure it wasn't Ed McMahon telling you that you won the Publisher's Clearinghouse? Or, are you such a narcissist that you will burn calories trying to be aware of each and every person that might be trying to get a hold of you. I'm going with the latter...

Low End Move #1

2009-05-15T14:08:00.002-06:00

The other day I was sitting in a restaurant with my family and happened to overhear a woman at the next table say, "Well, it doesn't matter anyway because in the State of Arizona you have 48 hours to cancel any contract without penalty."

I can only hope that this woman was a lawyer, but either way, having a lot of knowledge about this sort of this is a low end move.

A Tale of Two Nugents

2009-05-06T10:57:00.005-06:00

When you hear the surname Nugent, you probably think of this guy, Ted Nugent - the Motor City Madman shown here wearing spandex and brandishing a guitar and a compound bow.

Did you know that there was another notable Nugent?

Meet Benjamin Nugent, shown here buying a pair of pants with then girlfriend Mindy Kaling. Benjamin is best known for writing a book called American Nerd: The Story of My People.

Ted Nugent is probably the least nerdy person currently on the planet. The only other semi-famous person in the entire world that shares the name Nugent is one of the biggest nerds currently on the planet.

BTW, if they mated, they would produce Rivers Cuomo.

Arcade Fire

2009-04-23T08:47:00.006-06:00

FYI, although they may initially seem pretentious and emo, Arcade Fire is actually really cool. Check them out.

An Open Letter to the Women of the LDS Church

2009-04-23T08:43:00.000-06:00

Dear Sisters,

NEWS FLASH! Somebody has figured out that you're the ones buying everything from Deseret Book, and a new volume has been written by an LDS author especially for you!

Deseret Book describes the book as follows:

“Behind every good man is a good woman,” the old saying goes. How can a wife help her husband grow and progress and be a priesthood leader in the home without criticizing, nagging, or making him feel like he’s not measuring up?

As a result of some wide reading, pondering, and research, John Bytheway attempts to answer that question in this book. With his trademark humor and unique insights, the author shares experiences from his own marriage, practical counsel from several marriage experts, and inspired statements from Church leaders.

Simple tools such as “praising betimes with sharpness” and “making requests with an exit strategy” will bless marriages and help husbands and wives fulfill their roles as they try to lead their families in the latter days.

Please also check out this companion volume, which I know you'll be equally excited about.

“Behind every good man is a good woman,” the old saying goes. How can a husband help his wife grow and progress and be a righteous mother in Zion without criticizing, dominating, or making her feel like she’s not measuring up?

Well, as you may have guessed, one of these books was made up by me and my old pal Photoshop. I bet you can guess which of these books you will never, ever see on the shelves of Desert Book. Can you imagine the vibe in Relief Society on the Sunday after this book hit the shelves? "Your husband did NOT buy that thing!? You are a wonderful, strong woman, and I don't know where he gets off thinking that he needs to change you." Yet, for some reason, a book about how women can help men to be better is totally ok.

I'm not blaming you, sisters, even though as the consumers of this type of product, you create the demand for such things. The fault lies with a subset of men in the Church. These are the guys who feel the need to get up repeatedly in fast and testimony meeting and blather on endlessly about how they would be nothing without their wives and that they are just some schlubby schmuck who can barely keep the Spirit with them long enough to call on somebody to say the prayer at dinner time. You maintain the false dichotomy that women are somehow inherently more righteous then men. Show me a prophetic statement to this end, it doesn't exist, although, the prophets have said that women are more predisposed to nurturing and compassionate service then men. THIS KIND OF CRAP IS YOUR FAULT DUDES. I place the blame squarely on your shoulders. You can love your wife without putting yourself and men in general down.

Married women and men can best assist one another by maintaining a high standard of personal righteousness and self-esteem, and by doing everything they can to keep the Spirit in the home. The Spirit will handle this stuff if it's present. You don't need an insulting book to tell you how to do this, the prophets have already done so. So ladies, here's a tip. Instead of reading this trash, open the scriptures or the Ensign and increase your own level of obedience and self-esteem. Allowing your husband to see you reading this garbage is passive aggressive sexual politics, and you might as well just outright ask the guy to hit the computer and work on his pornography collection.

Bytheway, this book is insulting and unessecary.

Homosexual Historian Haiku or How to make it Big Rewriting History

2009-03-26T17:23:00.003-06:00

Lincoln, Buchanan

Jesus, Hitler, Shakespeare, Scouts

Everyone was gay!

Men's "Fashion"

2009-02-26T09:56:00.003-07:00

Anyone who has been to a grocery store at some point in their life is familiar with the "Best-Dressed" lists that are ubiquitous in the gossip rags that plaster Western civilization. I was disgusted, but not surprised, to see this headline pop up at the top of my Gmail this morning.

The Best-dressed men at the 81st Oscars

Men? MEN?!!

Now ladies, I understand that many of you are really into fashion. But dudes, what has happened to us? Women have a ton of variety in what they might wear to such an event, but there are really only three possible clothing choices for a man at such an event.

1) Tuxedo

2) Suit

3) Novelty Ensemble (to be used sparingly)

The difference between 1 and 2 should basically be a bow tie vs. a regular tie.

The fact that such a list exists frightens me more than the popularity of the Grand Theft Auto video game franchise. Get over yourself society.

If they mated 53

2009-02-20T12:45:00.003-07:00

Yoko Ono

Radar O-Reilly

Kim Jong Il

Judge Dredd

2009-02-06T08:30:00.003-07:00

Meet Senator Judd Gregg, Presiddent Obamaa's nominee for Commerce Secretary. Althouggh he is a staunch Republican, Gregg is considderedd by many to be an iddeal canddiddate to leadd the Commerce Ddepartment.

While I applaudd Barackk for puttingg toggether a bipartisan cabinet, I cannot enddorse a man to leadd the cabinet ddepartment of the Unitedd States charggedd with promotingg continuedd economic ggrowth who WON $850,000 DDOLLARS PLAYINGG THE LOTTERY!!

Is this some kindd of horrific Piscopo-esque SNL sketch? The lottery!? The perpetually incoggnito fairy ggoddmother of the poor andd unedducatedd?! The stupiddity tax?!

I can't wait to hear this gguy encouragge the ddowntrodddden to "invest" their recession- redducedd cash into the blinddinggly brilliant Powerball. He's livingg proof, "It workedd for me folks!" Andd ddon't give me the "at least he won" ggarbagge. He's still a moron...

Ggo Team America!

Messisota

2009-01-05T10:29:00.004-07:00

Mickey Mouse has announced his candidacy for King of Minnesota on the Communist Party of America Ticket. If elected, he will join the elite group of Minnesota legislators, including:

Stuart Smalley and

Jesse "the Body" Ventura.

Seriously, could we pay Canada to take this place off of our hands? What a mess...

If they mated 52

2009-01-02T11:24:00.001-07:00

Prince

Ron Burgandy

John Oates

If they mated 51

2008-12-23T09:02:00.003-07:00

Tolkien
+
Screech
=
Christopher Paolini, the nerd who wrote those Eragon books

Care Bear Stare

2008-12-22T07:34:00.004-07:00

These bears are supposed to be the epitome of politeness and caring, yet their ultimate and inevitable tool to advance their agenda is the Care Bear Stare. Since when has staring been caring? Staring isn't even polite, let alone helpful.

When I think of staring, I think of stuff like this.

Get over yourselves Care Bears! The only reason you have a care bear stare is that your creators were so lazy that they just picked the first word they could think of the rhymed with both "care" and "bear" and tried to make is seem normal when in point of fact, staring is creepy at best.

If they mated 50

2008-12-19T15:33:00.000-07:00

Rachel Ray

Padme

Giada De Laurentiis

If they were LDS 19

2008-12-17T15:17:00.003-07:00

If Paul Sr. from American Chopper were LDS, he would be...

Wilford Brimley

Lay Off of Hil-dog

2008-12-04T13:35:00.004-07:00

"AHA!" announce partisan Conservative morons. We've found a way to keep Hillary Clinton from becoming Secretary of State!

The constitution says that no congressperson can accept a federal job if they were in congress when a pay raise was approved for that specific job. In the past, they have just changed the salary back to what it was and let the person take the job anyway. Let them change the salary and quit griping Hillary-haters. I don't like her either, but it's not as though she wants the job to make a measly $5,000.

Bill Clinton lights his cigars with $5,000 bills paid to his foundation by terrorists and anti-American governments for the sake of Pete. She doesn't need the money.

Whining about this makes you look like idiots.

Fun Nathan Fact 7

2008-11-24T13:35:00.003-07:00

Nathan is the Scoutmaster of a local Scout Troop. On a recent campout, one of the kids got up in the morning and immediately called his mom on a his cell phone. The following conversation was overheard while the kid ate breakfast:

Scout 1: "Hi Mom, I'm awake. [pause] It's been ok I guess. [pause] Well, I had to go to the bathroom in the middle of the night. [pause] Well, I didn't want to get out of the tent. I couldn't find my shoes and there were probably animals out there. [pause] No way! I just went in my sleeping bag."

Scout 2: "Dude! I loaned you that sleeping bag! It was a mummy bag! I let you sleep in my tent! This sucks!!!"

The United Nations is a Joke

2008-11-21T10:59:00.004-07:00

A recent CNN article announced that more than 150 million dollars in ransom money has been paid to pirates (yep, actual pirates) around the Horn of Africa in the last year. Most of these pirates operate out of Somalia, a failed state. In 2008, one of the most important trade routes in the world is being continually harassed by pirates. Wouldn't almost everyone in the world like to see this shipping lane secured? Even the Islamic fundamentalists need to have some oil sold to finance their jihad.

What is the point of the United Nations if not to handle garbage like this? I'm sure that there are political science types out there who would love to explain to me that this is beyond the purview of the UN, and that their mission is yada, yada, yada. The fact is that I don't care what the mission of the UN is. A near-universal international organization of nations should be able to get their crap together and handle A BUNCH OF FREAKING PIRATES.

Slap some blue helmets on some dudes and go take care of this mess! If you can't take care of something like this, then what good are you?

An Open Letter to Mitt Romney

2008-11-19T06:48:00.006-07:00

Well Mitt, I recently read your piece in the New York Times about the auto industry. It made so much sense Mitt! Why would anyone try anything different. The auto industry has mismanaged itself into the ground, becoming bloated and refusing to innovate. Why should the government bail-out the industry so it can continue on it's destructive course? A crisis in the industry is the only thing that will prompt change.

Thumbs up to you too Mitt!

Why, oh why couldn't you be president? Oh wait, now I remember, it's because conservative Christians would rather see the country in the toilet than put a Mormon in the White House, but Mitt, maybe things can change. Maybe you can still fix the country like you would fix a broken corporation.

As Sloane Peterson said in Ferris Bueller's Day Off, "Mr. Romney... Mitt... you're a beautiful man. I want to thank you for your warmth and compassion."

Before I conclude, Mitt, I've just got to ask about the name thing. As a politician, I can see why you'd not want to go with your given name of Willard, but I wonder why you wouldn't go with Will over a piece of baseball equipment?

And Tagg? Were you a fan of American Gladiators in the old days? Next up, The Eliminator, where our contenders will face off against Tagg, the Titan of Industry.

At any rate, keep on plugging away my main Mitt. Shine on you crazy diamond!

Ace of Wha!?

2008-10-31T21:35:00.004-06:00

Looks like somebody set the Ace of Base song "It's a Beautiful Life" to some footage of Hitler rolling around amid a cheering crowd. Is this supposed to be ironic? I mostly find it disturbing...

BTW, "Joker" was always my favorite. That's him on the right. If there was ever a Nordic 90219, he would be the Brandon character -- maybe Brandon Walsh meets some fat Norse god like Odin. Also, check out Buddha on the left. He looks like Brad Pitt mated with the Val Kilmer Eurotrash dude from The Saint.

An important statistic for these trying times

2008-10-21T09:11:00.002-06:00

Patrick Swayze is shirtless for 18 minutes and 29 seconds in the movie Road House. That is 16.2% of the movie.

Look Ma, Anthropologie is Famous!

2008-10-03T08:40:00.002-06:00

Do you remember how we managed before

We could afford real nervous breakdowns

Or before the Anthropologie store

Was erected on Indian burial grounds

Ben Folds, "The Frown Song"

(Insensitive) Husband of the Year

2008-10-01T09:27:00.002-06:00

My Daughter Cicily had surgery a few days ago as part of an ongoing process to lengthen her jaw. It went well, however, I made a comment that qualifies me for the insensitive husband of the year.

During the initial jawlengthening procedure a few months ago, they has some trouble getting her tracheotomy back in when the surgery was completed. My wife, Janalyn, actually ended up being the one who put it back in a day or two after the surgery (she had been sedated with a breathing tube in the meantime). Naturally, we were concerned that there may be another problem if they had to take the trach out during they surgery. Cicily can't really breathe without it.

We had half-heartedly joked about Janalyn going into the operating room just in case there was a problem, she can always get the trach back in. During the surgery, she asked me whether I thought they would come running out to get her to come and put the trach back in if they couldn't get it back in. I responded, "No, I think they would let her die first."

Luckily, Janalyn is very cool and laid back, because that was pretty much the worst thing I could have possibly said, even if it is probably true. A word of advice to all of you out there, don't talk about the possible death of one of your children while they are in surgery...

Fun Nathan Fact 6

2008-09-26T14:26:00.003-06:00

Nathan recently had some family in town, and they all decided to go out for a fun-filled evening of all you can eat seafood at the Fort McDowell Indian Casino. I was invited, but could not attend because of babysitting problems. This was nothing compared to the babysitting problem Nate would encounter later in the evening.

Nate's sister and her husband have small children that needed a babysitter. Nathan's wife dialed up one of her reliable Laurels to come over to their house and watch the kids. It was no big deal, the kids were already going to be in bed. She would just need to sit there while they slept.

Well, after some trouble at the casino, some of the family, including Nate's parents, decided to come home early while the rest of the family ate crab legs. When Nate's dad walked in the front door, the reliable Laurel was no where to be seen -- because there was some guy on top of her on the couch! She was further obscured by her shirt, which was pulled up partially over her head!

Nathan and his wife decided not to rat the girl out, but everyone found out anyway! The Laurel's boyfriend, who was not the guy on top of her, promptly ended their relationship, and her parents grounded her for 6 months!

An Open Letter to the Obama Campaign

2008-09-12T08:38:00.004-06:00

Dear Obama Campaign,

I'm not a very political guy. I tend to vote Republican because they tend to want to just take some of my money and then leave me alone, whereas the Democrats tend to want to take more of my money and mess with me, but mostly I think you're both full of crap. One of the big reasons that I'm apathetic about politics is garbage like this:

Apparently Sarah Palin took a shot at your candidate for having listed "community organizer" on his bio. You respond with this outrageous button, dragging Jesus Christ into your stupid political game. I'm sure that the other campaign has done similar stuff, or will in the future, but this is one of the stupidest things I've ever seen in a politcal contest. It's pathetic that in U.S. politics everybody picks a team and then makes fun of the other team. This is considered ok because it's politics and the other team is sending our country to hell. Plus, any of this stuff can always easily be turned around on the other side.

Here's an outrageous button that the McCain campaign is welcome to use:Thanks for making me a little more apathetic towards the political process. Feel free to call me a racist, even anyone that knows me will tell you the opposite. I know that many people think it's ok to drag in Jesus Christ for shock value, but not a vaguely racist term.

10 Words or Less #5

2008-09-08T17:03:00.002-06:00

Stay retired or we'll start to hate you.

Marginal Urination

2008-09-03T09:35:00.003-06:00

The year was 1999. The Cougars were battling San Diego State at Qualcomm Stadium. I was on the sideline enjoying some delicious Gatorade gum and hanging out with Owen Pochman while the offense tried to score some points. Suddenly, Margin Hooks came sprinting off of the field yelling for a substitution. The sideline phone began ringing almost immediately, I'm sure it was Norm Chow trying to figure out what in the world was going on. Hooks started yelling for some of the other offensive players to come over and talk to him. He then arranged them in a circle facing outward with himself in the center. Once all was in place, he partially dropped trou and whizzed all over the sideline. He was back in the game almost immediately, only missing two plays.

Breaking Dawn Spoiler

2008-08-03T03:05:00.003-06:00

I invite all to forget this talk of Edward and Jacob and join me on Team Mike.

That's right, I said it.

The secret twist that few suspect is

****SPOILER ALERT****

Bella abandoning Edward at the altar, after which she will have Jacob neutered before running off to found a new sporting goods store in Port Angeles as the new Mrs. Newton. You chumps can take that to the bank.

Bella-N-Mike-4-Ever

2 Holes

2008-07-26T05:08:00.002-06:00

I dug some big holes. These are Hohokam canals, and small ones at that.

It took a long time, and I had a backhoe. The Hohokam must have spent half their lives digging holes with sticks and baskets. Can you guess which person in these pictures I call the Mexican Mephistopheles? I'll give you a hint, it isn't me.

10 Words or Less #4

2008-07-25T01:00:00.001-06:00

Does liking this make me gay?

10 Words or Less #3

2008-07-24T04:57:00.001-06:00

Kids thinking you're hot trumps talent.

If they were LDS 18

2008-07-24T04:33:00.002-06:00

If Ken were LDS, he would be:

John Huntsman Jr.

If they mated 49

2008-07-23T02:28:00.001-06:00

Ray Liotta
+

The Simpsons Rich Texan

J.R. Ewing

If they were LDS 17

2008-07-21T01:39:00.002-06:00

If Ed Asner was LDS, he would be:
Todd Shell

10 Words or Less #2

2008-06-18T08:47:00.001-06:00

I directed 2 good and 3 awful movies. I'm talented.

10 Words or Less #1

2008-06-18T08:38:00.002-06:00

I used to be funny, oh, and I like baseball.

The Consumerism of Zion 1

2008-05-24T22:09:00.009-06:00

Zion's actual commerce:

4 Ne. 1: 3
And they had all things common among them; therefore there were not rich and poor, bond and free, but they were all made free, and partakers of the heavenly gift.

Acts 4: 32
And the multitude of them that believed were of one heart and of one soul: neither said any of them that ought of the things which he possessed was his own; but they had all things common.

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Teach your children about the joys of capitalism by having them battle it out, forcing each other into bankruptcy in a familiar religious context!

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Retail price? $279.95

Alma 31: 28

Behold, O my God, their costly apparel, and their ringlets, and their bracelets, and their ornaments of gold, and all their precious things which they are ornamented with; and behold, their hearts are set upon them, and yet they cry unto thee and say—We thank thee, O God, for we are a chosen people unto thee, while others shall perish.

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Bytheway, it's Priestcraft!

What I did at work yesterday

2008-05-17T14:00:00.003-06:00

I found a picture of lizard people taking a dump!

Of course you're jealous, and of course you hate your job, but that's no reason to be upset at me. I'm just a kid with a dream, trying to live that dream here in the greatest nation that has ever existed, or will ever exist upon the earth.

"Kids"

2008-05-06T10:41:00.003-06:00

If we hooked this child-like robot up to a polygraph machine,

and asked her if she hated this real child with every fiber of her being,

what do you think her response would be?

If they mated 48

2008-04-30T16:05:00.002-06:00

Frida Kahlo

Billie Jean King

"Hil-rod"

As long as Snoop is there it will be Zion to me...

2008-04-03T12:40:00.003-06:00

The prophets are always telling us to be on the look out for the signs of the times. Another one dropped today. CNN.com is reporting that noted rap artist Snoop Dogg has "converted to Mormonism" after being fellowshipped by Gladys Knight. An elaborate hoax? Maybe, but if not, let me be the first to welcome Brother Dogg into the fold. Looking forward to seeing your next album "Zion, Fo' Shizzle" in the Deseret Book catalog.

I should also note that the above article indicates that Snoop is on probation, which has probably prevented him from being baptized as yet. May that day come soon, Brother Calvin, good times...

Nipples in the Mist

2008-04-02T21:44:00.003-06:00

Meet Koko, a lowland gorilla best known for communicating with humans via sign language. If you haven't seen the PBS documentary "A Conversation with Koko", I highly recommend checking it out. The humans treating the gorilla like a person is only slightly creepy, and the rest of the film makes up for it in spades.
Anyone who is familiar with Koko will undoubtedly be shocked to learn that she has a dark side, a very, very dark side. It turns out that Koko is obsessed with human nipples. That's right, nipples. In fact, she often uses the sign for nipple to refer to humans. Scroll down in the above article to see the transcript of a hilarious exchange where Koko's human "mother" tries to get her to answer questions from AOL users and all Koko wants to talk about are nipples. At one point, Koko demands food by saying "Hurry give-me mouth nipple", roughly translated as "Hurry up and put that food in my mouth, Nipple".

It looks like Koko has been accused of sexually harassing several former employees of the foundation where she lives. Three women sued the foundation asserting that they were threatened with termination if they didn't bare their breasts to Koko when she asked to see them. Well, Koko, of course, needed a lawyer to defend her from these charges. Now we get to the whole point of this post. Koko's sexual harassment lawyer, who settled the deal out of court, is named Jody Wiener. Now that's some good times...

The Hammer

2008-03-21T16:01:00.002-06:00

Do yourself a favor. Go and see "The Hammer" this weekend. Check here to see if it's playing in your city. Tell Carolla that I sent you.

Buckle me this...

2008-03-06T15:16:00.002-07:00

Do you own one of these belt buckles?

If you do, I need you to move your mouse cursor up to the little "X" in the upper right-hand corner of this widow and click the button. After you do that, forget that you know anything about this blog and never come back.

Thanks a bunch!

If they were LDS 16

2008-03-06T12:32:00.003-07:00

If Ryan and Sharpay from High School Musical were LDS, they would be:

Derek and Juliane Hough, of Dancing with the Stars

An Open Letter to Jeff Bunker -- Brigham Young University Registrar

2008-02-28T13:52:00.004-07:00

Jeff.

Jeff, Jeff, Jeff, Jeff...

I think I know what you're trying to do brother. I do it myself to some extent. Everytime I move into a new ward, I make sure to wear a blue shirt for the first few weeks. Not a bright blue shirt, but it sure as heck isn't white. I'll shake the Bishop's hand in this shirt, and it very clearly sends a message. "Here's a good guy that will probably do his home teaching, but he probably isn't Elder's Quorum President material." It's not a bad move in that setting, but at work? This isn't going to get you ahead at the Lord's University.

Let's review the game film. I'm sure that you knew it was going to be picture day long before the photographers showed up. I'll bet your secretary even reminded you about it the day before. There is no way that you could have forgotten about this, and this is the look you chose to sport?
What's wrong with this picture Jeff? Do I even need to get into it? Conservative haircut? Check. Blazer/Jacket? Check. White Shirt? Wha?!? Tie? No Way. You chose this Jeff. It was your decision, and you blew it man. Don't get me wrong, I get it. You're a youngish looking guy. You probably run around in a luxuray car or a motorcycle once in a while. But Jeff, you should know better.

Let's look at what you should have done.

This is Cecil O. Samuelson, President of Brigham Young University
Allow me to present Terry Ball, Dean of Religious Education, archaeobotanist, and all around Good Guy
Finally, this is David Magleby, Dean of the College of Home, Family, and Social Sciences.

If you want individuality, take it from Magleby and pull out the bow tie. I encourage you to look around the ASB next time you're in there, take careful notes, and then head into the men's room for a long, hard look in the mirror.

Me and Brad - What is Art?

2008-02-13T16:04:00.001-07:00

Me and Brad had several classes together over the course of Jr. High. Probably the most notable was our 8th Grade Honor's English class. To be honest, I'm not quite sure what we were doing in there. Neither of us had a great work ethic, nor were we particularly into literature. I guess we tested high, but mostly we were trying to crack as wise as possible without being sent out.

One fine day, me and Brad were hanging out at our desks in the back of the class eating candy, while the rest of the class were discussing some horribly poetry that we were supposed to be analyzing. Despite being somewhat of a poet myself, I heartily concede that most poems are awful, like, worse than the opening rounds of American Idol awful. I finally raised my hand and asked whether any of this stuff had any value. It was a legitimate question, I didn't see why it was important (and still don't). At that very moment, the principal of the school walked into our classroom, having partially overheard my question from the hall.

He launches into this mini-lecture on why culture is valuable, and that art is the highest form of human expression, and blah, Blah, BLAH, BLAH. He closed his lecture by posing a question to the class, "What is Art?"

Brad immediately shot his hand up in the air, and, after he was called upon, uttered three simple words, words that effectively shattered the illusion that Humanities professors and English teachers have tried to force down the throats of their unsuspecting students.

"Art's the janitor," Brad said, and it was true. The janitor, who was a pretty good old guy, was, in fact, named Art. The result was truly awesome -- the class erupted in laughter, the teacher slumped back to her desk with her head in her hands, and the principal, stunned, turned on his heel and went back to looking for cigarettes in lockers or whatever he was doing. It was a formative moment in my intellectual development, and is probably at the root of my distrust of art historians.

If they were LDS 15

2008-02-13T15:49:00.001-07:00

If Michael Moore were LDS, he would be...
Richard Dutcher

If they mated 47

2008-02-09T12:58:00.001-07:00

Albus Dumbledore
+

Hedwig the owl
=
Rowan Williams, the Archbishop of Canterbury

Me and Brad - Peer Meditation

2008-02-08T09:08:00.000-07:00

I had a good friend named Brad in Jr. High School. He's a good guy, always interested in unusual things, a bit of a Pioneer really. Unfortunately, he also Pioneered the use of drugs and petty crime in my peer group. Innovation in these categories is generally not thought of as being good.

At the end of 7th Grade, Me and Brad were looking at the list of classes that we could sign up for the following year. We were shocked to see a course called "Peer Meditation." "No Way!" we thought, imagining lying on mats in a semi-darkened classroom with Eastern Indian music playing in the background. We both signed up for the class with gusto, looking forward to a daily nap during the coming year.

Summer came and went, as it always does. On the first day of school, Brad and I were both afflicted with that strange mixture of dread and excitement that accompanies a new school year, but the one thing that we were both looking forward to was our 6th period nap during Peer Meditation. "This is gonna be awesome," we thought. Finally, we were going to stick it to both the principal, Mr. Santa Cruz, and The Man.

Imagine our surprise when we walked through the door after lunch. There were no mats, no lava lamps, no unusual smells, not even a freaking Gi in the entire room. Instead, the desks had been arranged in a large circle, with a smiling teacher welcoming this years new crop of "Peer MEDIATORS"!

A bitter betrayal indeed... we'd looked forward to this class for an entire summer, and this?! We were supposed to sit in there and talk to whiny girls complaining about how they used to be Best, Best Friends, until Tami stole Tara's boyfriend? We turned on our heels and immediately went to the guidance counselor to sign up for wood shop where we belonged, never to look back on this, the most tragic day of our adolescence.

Fun Nathan Fact 5

2008-02-07T13:17:00.000-07:00

All I know, is that Nathan lives in Arizona and he has a hot wife.

If they were LDS 14

2008-01-30T12:17:00.000-07:00

If Odo from Star Trek was LDS, he would be:

President Thomas S. Monson

What is she, a Mexican?

2008-01-17T13:21:00.000-07:00

Shortly after my wife and I were married, we returned to our basement apartment one afternoon after school/work and a few errands. It was raining and a little cold, so we hurried from the car to the apartment door with our heads slightly down against the bad weather. We rounded a corner on the walkway, and were shocked by what was waiting for us on the porch. There, surrounded by a scatter of discarded and partially eaten items surely purchased from the nearby 7-11 was a large, filthy individual bundled up in a mish-mash of cold weather clothing. I don't know that I'll ever be able to fully capture the flavor of this fellow, but picture with me a combination of

Rev. Jim from Taxi
and

The longtime nemesis of Mickey Mouse, Black/Peg Leg Pete

So the guy looks up from whatever he is doing hunched over our fence and blurts in my general direction, "Would you look at her?" motioning to Janalyn, "She's GORGEOUS! What is she a Mexican?"

How does one respond to this? For those of you that are not aware, my wife is not a Mexican, though she is stunningly beautiful. I cannot blame the guy in this regard, yet, there was something fishy going on. It turns out that our landlord (who was living out of state at the time) had hired a homeless guy to come and repaint the iron fence that surrounded the property. The guy sanded and repainted the fence over the next few days, all-the-while openly ogling my wife and leaving empty funyun bags and vienna sausage cans everywhere. Janalyn and I left from and arrived at the apartment at the same time during that time, and we never had a problem with the guy, but overall it was a pretty surreal experience. On a side-note, I did not enjoy picking up all of his trash and could not even dump the job on the landlord, who was not in a position to deal with the aftermath.

Androgenous Youth

2008-01-15T11:27:00.000-07:00

Not a Bowie Fan.

Spawn of a Hawn of a Hawn

This is child abuse

Peas in a Pod 5

2008-01-15T10:55:00.000-07:00

Well-known Socialist Political Leaders

Hillary Clinton
Chairman Mao
Papa Smurf

location, Location, LOCATION!!

2008-01-14T11:41:00.000-07:00

Three years in AZ.

Does this my profile say? NO.

Changed it just now, hmmm...

Mario Estupendo

2008-01-10T14:06:00.000-07:00

Today as I was driving into work, I ended up being detoured onto surface streets due to heavy traffic. As I was zipping along, I suddenly spotted a portly gentleman darting out into traffic on foot just in front of me. While I didn't quite need to slam on the brakes to avoid him, I rapidly decelerated such that I got a good look at the guy.

He was middle-aged, pot-bellied, mustachioed, Hispanic, and jumping all over the road...

Hey Rachel

2008-01-04T23:06:00.000-07:00

I discovered the following note discarded on the ground at a park near my home. Everything is spelled as indicated. I have not altered any of the spelling or punctuation. I am not making this up.

Hey Rachel what the be haps wit u? how are you? what have you been doing? anything good? Well I wanted to leave you this letter to tell you how much Iv been thinking about you alot but I know you are buzy trying to straten out your live me too! wEll anyway's I hope I don't go to jail tomorrow but if I do I wanted you to know that no matter what happenes to you and Tony split up or that doesn't work out fer you and you should leave this state or go back East or move before I get out please let me know some how to get a hold of you OK I do not want to loose contact with you because you are a very fond friend off mine and I hope that's not offendend you or anybody else but when I have a cool friend that I like and can easily talk too and no madder what we've done or sayed allways somehow stay friends and friends are very important and you will learn all about that some day so if you find one try everything to keep them, because sometime Words are harder then fists when they hit you they can knock you back and remember that stuff I told you that morning in my truck the stuff about Aliens and our government and those thing's thatIfeel are happening all around us might really be so keep your eyes onpen and listen I mean really hear and feel everything that is your everyday life and work and school and Peter Piper Pizza you get me meaning I hope. Rachel Theres alot of weird [expletive] going on in our world today so be alert and stay in tuned I told you how that one morning in my truck or aleast I told you what to be looking for because let me tell you I'm a believer since that time I convinced that alot of that stuff that I was saying was not to far off so that all I got too say about that...

Rachel I miss you so much and I hope you know I'm allways thinking about how you are and what you might be doing I dream of you mostly day dream about 4-wheeling in my truck in the rain and all those times we'ed be out there walking around and doing our own thing and burning bowls and smokeing weed and well I all think about you when when I out there... I hope that your sometimes thinking of me at the same me you and I'll get my answer from you and not even call as talk to you... I long too make you feel so good or treat you like a princess that you are yo me... [At this point, the narrative degenerates into an entire page of sexually explicit fetish oriented descriptions of acts the author would like to participate in with Rachel. I have omitted this material in the name of human decency.] I need to see you girl I hope I don't go to jail I hate this feeling of awayness and the system and the world pulling us away from each other...

but I would luv to here from you ok dont be a stranger ok I need to hear and feel and [another line or two of sexually explicit dialouge] you Rachel I'll call you if I dont go to jail ok Love ya doll face your's truly [unreadable signiature]

Historical Incongruity 2

2008-01-04T10:28:00.000-07:00

Ben Folds once said:

Smile, like you've got nothing to prove. No matter what you might do, there's always someone out there cooler than you

Here's the rub... Is there anyone out there cooler than Ben Folds? I challenge you to come up with somebody, because I could only come up with maybe, and I mean maybe, one guy.

Fun Nathan Fact 4

2007-12-31T09:45:00.000-07:00

On at least one occasion, Nathan took a leak on a boot that had been attached to his illegally parked vehicle, forcing the boot guy to handle human waste when he arrived to remove it.

A Possible Career Change...

2007-12-28T09:01:00.000-07:00

I've been thinking about career changes lately. Archaeology has sucked in the last month, and, although I would be foolish to abandon my PhD when I am this close to completion, I am currently exploring alternate employment opportunities.

I have decided to become a posse member for some prominent rapper or rap group. Everyone has seen these guys, they're one of 14 people on the stage with a microphone that are not the main rapper. As near as I can tell, I could handle this job, which seems to mainly include looking tough and yelling "yeah, baby!" or "uh-huh, uh-huh" into the mic whenever there is an opening.

My first choice would be to don an paramilitary, vaguely Islamic uniform of some sort and stand on either side of the stage looking tough behind some sun blue blockers and maybe march around once in a while as part of the performance. Unfortunately, it's been a while since Public Enemy topped the charts, despite Flavor Flav contractually appearing on VH1 at least once every 30 minutes seven days a week.

Second Choice? Wu-Tang Clan. First, these dudes are always dying or getting thrown in the hoosegow, so there is a pretty high probability that they're going to need new posse members. Second, there are so many of them, that I'll probably never have to do anything except hang out on the tour bus watching Scarface and playing Playstation. I doubt they'd even miss me on stage. Third, I'd love to get my hands on one of these ginormous Wu-Tang flags. I think it would inspire me to win something, like maybe the Olympics or a People's Choice Award, at which point I'd have another member of the posse hand me the flag and I'd tie it around my neck and run around celebrating. It might also be fun to do this after BYU scored a touchdown, and I think it might get Cosmo to chase me around or get an ROTC member to try and take me out with a clothesline.

I realize, of course, that I probably need to start small and get some posse experience before graduating the big leagues. As of right now, my basic five year plan is to get work as a roadie for Digital Underground in the next year, work my way into the posse by year three, and then find work in a major posse by year five. These guys aren't too big, but are still touring, and have a good record for launching posse members into stardom (does anyone remember oh, just a guy named 2-Pac? Yeah, that 2-Pac).

Do not for one second let yourself think that the fact that I am an aging, heavyset, Mormon white guy with a family who does not smoke weed or drink will prevent me from achieving my dream.

Exhibit A: Joe C. was a member of Kid Rock's posse for years before he tragically passed away from illness (get it, ill-ness?!). If this guy can make it, why not me?

Exhibit B: Rudy. Everyone told Rudy that he would never make it as a Notre Dame football player, but eventually, he stuffed everything back into the fat faces of every single one of his detractors by getting in on one play in the fading seconds of a game that was over and made one tackle, later gaining 50 pounds, growing his hair out, and carrying some curly-headed dude up an entire mountain, so don't you sit there and judge me and tell me that I can't have a dream and that I can't later achieve that dream because you're wrong. Dead wrong...

Historical Incongruity 1

2007-12-26T14:42:00.000-07:00

In 1521, Henry VIII was granted the title "Defender of the Faith" by Pope Leo X for his defense of the Catholic Church against Martin Luther. A few years later, Henry wrenched his entire kingdom from the Church because Pope Clement VII refused to dissolve his marriage.

Fun Nathan Fact 3

2007-12-23T13:34:00.000-07:00

If Nathan's long-time former girlfriend underwent gender reassignment surgery and learned to sing, she would look an awful lot like this guy...

Christmas Bonus

2007-12-20T16:22:00.000-07:00

I just got my Christmas bonus for the year. It was a 25$ gift certificate to Starbucks.

It was a really nice thought. A lot of people in our office drink coffee, and occasionally, someone runs out to a nearby Starbucks to pick up orders for everyone. I happen to not drink coffee, but again, it was a thoughtful gift.
But here's the thing... my boss, the one who looked me in the face and handed me the card, is a Mormon. We probably talk about being fellow-Mormons at least once a day. We both went to BYU, we live in the same Mormon-heavy part of town, we pretty much couldn't be more Mormon if we were sitting around re-living our Olympic glory days or explaining to each other why we used to like abortion but now we think it's murder. I have never been inside of a Starbucks and I don't even know where one is, except for one that was behind a bus stop I used to wait at.

In other words, I will sell you this card for $20.

Peas in a Pod 4

2007-12-19T09:13:00.001-07:00

Bob Marley
J.R.R. Tolkien
The Hoff

Each of these men redefined their various professions, excelling to the point of becoming synonymous with a given genre of entertainment -- Marley with reggae, Tolkien with fantasy literature, and Hasselhoff with self-important Hollywood success despite an absence of talent.

In fact, these men were so successful that they in effect destroyed their genres while simultaneously catapulting them into megalithic popularity. Reggae will never be popular, it all sounds like Marley to the uninitiated, and he did it better than anyone. Precious few Fantasy stories are original, nearly all are derivative of Middle-Earth, though they continue to sell to and be written by guys living in their mom's basements in massive quantities. No matter how hard Susan Sarandon, Angelina Jolie, Danny Bonaduce, and their ilk try, they will never be able approximate the blowhard to talent ratio that our Teutonic Knight has perfected.

Enjoy them while you can my dear, dear, friends, because there will never, ever, be another...

Hip-Hop Nation

2007-12-07T03:20:00.000-07:00

I am hardly a hip-hop connoisseur, but this guy is very, very talented. If you've never heard a Wyclef album, check out The Carnival, the Carnival II, or Ecleftic. Yele Haiti!

Fatkins it is then...

2007-12-05T10:27:00.000-07:00

While playing defensive line at BYU as an undergraduate, I was often mocked by a faction of the offensive linemen, who felt very strongly that "Watkins is just as fat as the rest of us. He belongs on our side of the ball" and not with the traditionally more slender defensive linemen. The relationship initially grew out of eating team meals together, where I would choke down just as much slop as the hogs on the offensive side of the ball. The crew was very vocal about their feelings, which soon consolidated into the less-than-flattering moniker "Fatkins".

In all truthfulness, I didn't mind this. We were all good guys just giving each other a hard time, and it wasn't as though I didn't dish it right back to those porkers. A Costanza-esque "World's Colliding" moment occurred some months later, however, forever changing the delicate balance between my personal and professional lives.

In the old BYU George Albert Smith Fieldhouse, a narrow hallway connected the portion of the first floor with the sports locker rooms, and the indoor track and gym area, where the football offices used to be housed. One day I was walking from the locker room to the office for a team meeting before practice, and I ran into my former roommate, longtime friend, and favorite entrepreneur Brigham W. Larson using the telephone in the hall. I stopped to talk to him as he completed his call, and as we spoke, one of the offensive linemen walked by and remarked, "Hey Fatkins, you'd better hurry up or you're going to be late for the meeting."

I told Brig that I needed to go, and hurried down the hall. He suddenly and unexpectedly called out to me, "Wait! What was that all about?" I wasn't sure what he was talking about, to which he responded, "FATkins?!?!"

When I arrived home that evening, my current roommates greeted me with a, "Hey Fatkins."

Later in the week, Brig's lovely wife Karmel left me the following message, "Hey Fatkins, just wondering if you wanted to come over for dinner on Thursday. Give me a call back, and hope to see you there."

The next time I showed up at Church, a bunch of chicks greeted me with a "good to see you Fatkins."

And so it began, not that I minded all that much. It's a pretty funny nickname, especially for a guy like myself who is pushing three bills. Here, however, is the kicker. I only ever became known as Fatkins to my football teammates and group of friends in college. The designation, however, became so commonplace amongst those people, that it inevitably spills over into other compartments of my life, even to this day.

I soon became involved in the Anthropology program at BYU. None of the colleagues or professors that I have since met and become close to had any reason to refer to me as Fatkins. It's not as though I go around introducing myself as such: "Hi, I'm Chris Watkins, a serious graduate student in archaeology, but please, call me Fatkins." Yet, invariably, I would run into a member of the Fatkins crowd on campus, who would say something to the effect of, "Hey Fatkins, long time no see, give me a buzz." To which the professor I was speaking with would stare at me, mouth agape, unable to continue the conversation.

So you may be asking yourself, why bring it up? It's not as though I run into the "Fatkins Crew" too often anymore, except of course, for Nathan. The answer to this is two-fold. First, I thought it would be a funny story. Second, this seves as full disclosure for everyone in my life. Do not be surprised if someone or another drops a Fatkins on me in your presence. Absorb the information, and interpret as an indicator that I knew the dropper of said designation as an undergraduate college student.

Really Gay-ing it Up

2007-12-04T22:28:00.000-07:00

When I was in high school, I used to prepare for football games by coming home from school, getting something to eat, and lying quietly in my darkened bedroom for 44 minutes and 2 seconds before driving over to the stadium. I know the exact time that I spent in said room, because I would listen to music as I mentally prepared for the pending contest.

You might be curious as to what album I chose to listen to. If you guessed "I Say I Say I Say" by Erasure, who are, with Wham! and The Village People, one of the gayest bands in the history of music, you would be correct.

If they mated 46

2007-12-04T10:45:00.000-07:00

Blue Öyster Cult

The Three Musketeers

=The Moody Blues

Why John Lennon is Better-off Dead

2007-11-30T11:23:00.000-07:00

The following is a list of what John Lennon does not believe in according to his 1970 song "God".

Magic
I-ching
The Bible
Tarot
Hitler
Jesus
Kennedy
Buddha
Mantra
The Bhagavad Gita
Yoga
Kings
Elvis
Zimmerman (aka, Bob Dylan)
The Beatles

John, however, does beleive in the following:

Himself and Yoko...

Is there anything else that needs to be said?

For Your Records

2007-10-16T22:47:00.000-06:00

I was traveling to Las Vegas on business recently, and I stopped in the sleepy town of Kingman, AZ at around 5 AM for a magical McDonalds grease boost. I headed inside, used the can, and purchased 2 sausage McMuffins with egg. The price? About 2 dollars.

The cashier, a nice older woman, took my money and gave me my change. As I turned to walk away, she said in a loud voice, "Sir! Wait! Please take this for your records," and handed me the reciept.

For your records?

FOR YOUR RECORDS!?

It's in my file cabinet now, just in case Mr. Taxman is curious anytime in the next 7 years.

An Open Letter to the Winners at Mormonsexposed.com

2007-09-10T23:33:00.000-06:00

Dear Winners,

I just heard about your endeavor on the news here in Phoenix, AZ. Congrats on what I'm sure is turning out to be a successful business and charitable venture! I bet your cronies in the Marriott school are crapping themselves that you've found a previously unexploited corner of the market to pimp yourself out in.

The rest of us, however, are embarrassed and ashamed at your prostitution of the Church, the missionary program, and nearly literally, yourselves! Thanks so much for making us all look just a little more like the rest of the world.

Choke on it!

Chris Watkins

PS: I can't wait for the buxom bikini-clad Sisters edition! I suggest you start with the chicks from Temple Square.

Peas in a Pod 3

2007-08-30T16:05:00.001-06:00

The Tobacco Industry
Prostitutes

Pat O'Brien

All of these entities are successfully capitalizing on market demand, none are good for society. Eat it Capitalism!! EAT IT!!!!!

OCD Mania

2007-08-30T15:43:00.000-06:00

Yesterday, I retired to the first floor restroom of the Anthropology Building at ASU to utilize the facilities. Upon entering the room, I noted one other person at one of two urinals. I took my position at the second urinal and proceeded to relieve myself. At this point, the individual next to me finished up and headed towards the sink. This is where it gets strange...

This guy places the very extreme portion of the fingertips of one of his hands on the very edge of the paper towel dispenser handle and pulls down on it about six times, leaving a sheet of paper towels hanging down to the floor. He then heads over to the sink, and begins vigorously scrubbing his hands. At this point, I complete my business and head to the sink to wash up. Thirty seconds later, this Newman is still scrubbing away, showing no sign of slowing down. Meanwhile, I have completed my hand washing, but cannot dry my hands, because the sole paper towel dispenser has several feet of paper towel hanging from it.

More time passes, every finger is being individually scrubbed.

By now, it has been at least one minute, possibly a minute and a half. I am still pretending to be washing my hands. OCD guy finally finishes, and heads over to retrieve his paper towel sheaf.

But oh no, I am not yet permitted to wash my hands. Each finger is individually dried, but my new friend does not vacate the paper towel station. The remains of the paper towel horde are then wadded up and taken in one hand by the guy, who then used to lever a second ream of paper towels to the floor. He walks over to the garbage can, retrieves his second paper towel fest, and then dries his hands a second time, this time using the wadded-up towels to open the bathroom door.

After leveraging his foot to keep the door open, he leans over to the trash can, throws away his towel-wad, and then bolts out the door to points unknown.

The entire operation took around 3 minutes, most of which were spent by myself pretending to wash my hands.

Peas in a Pod 2

2007-08-24T14:49:00.000-06:00

Thanks to Mr. Ben Staller...

Sheriff Bill

Queen Ann

The Hannity

If only Talk Radio had a force field around it...

Peas in a Pod 1

2007-08-22T14:03:00.000-06:00

Carl Rove

Dick Morris

James Carville

None of these political whores are good for America...

If they were LDS 13

2007-04-30T21:48:00.000-06:00

If a mop were LDS, it would be...
Richard Branson's LoveSac Shawn Nelson

If they were LDS 12

2007-04-27T16:42:00.000-06:00

If Stone Cold Steve Austin were LDS, he would be...
Mark Hacking

If they were LDS 11

2007-04-25T10:30:00.000-06:00

If Kenny Rogers were LDS, he would be...
Merrill Osmond

If they were LDS 10

2007-04-25T10:22:00.000-06:00

If David Bowie were LDS, he would be...
The Killers frontman Brandon Flowers

An open letter to the Rev. Al Sharpton

2007-04-12T13:41:00.000-06:00

Dear Rev. Sharpton,

I have cced you on the letter to Rev. Jackson. Please consider it as though it were addressed to you.

Sincerely,

Chris (on behalf of the population of earth)

An open letter to the Rev. Jesse Jackson

2007-04-12T13:35:00.000-06:00

Dear Rev. Jackson,

On behalf of the citizens of this great nation, nay the world, I write to inform you that we have reached a nearly universal consensus that you need to be aware of.

Please, please, please, for the love of all things holy, SHUT UP.

Sincerely,

Chris (on behalf of the population of earth)

If they were LDS 9

2007-04-08T17:50:00.000-06:00

If Jerry Garcia were LDS, he would be...
Randy Bachman

If they were LDS 8

2007-04-08T17:41:00.000-06:00

If Matt Dillon were LDS, he would be
Will Swenson

If they were LDS 7

2007-04-07T15:39:00.002-06:00

If Santa Claus were LDS, he would be...
President Joseph F. Smith

If they were LDS 6

2007-04-07T15:30:00.000-06:00

If Britney Spears were LDS, she would be...
American Idol Alum Carmen Rasmusen

If they were LDS 5

2007-04-07T15:22:00.000-06:00

If Carl Sagan were LDS, he would be...
Hugh Nibley

If they were LDS 5

2007-04-07T15:18:00.000-06:00

If Senator Ted Kennedy were LDS, he would be...

Senator Harry Reid